I was starting to doubt my dreams and the direction I was taking - making a marriage commitment, a major move and trying to be healthy. I remembered a quote I once read and it said the closer we get to our dreams, the louder our self-doubt becomes. The loud nagging voice that says you’re making a big mistake, this is a bad idea, you’ll never make it and you know you can’t do it. It’s a voice which usually starts with a trigger. Perhaps you suddenly had a detour on the road to your dream, perhaps you ate ALL the chocolate stashed in your desk – you knew you couldn’t lose weight, right? Or it may say you know you’ll never be as beautiful as “fill in the blank”. It’s an ugly voice and sometimes speaks like a teacher from grade school who didn’t believe in you, or a sports coach who yelled at you, or a group of middle school friends who made fun of you. It all sounds the same.
My trigger happened when I got mad at Match.com man for the first time in our relationship. I hate conflict and all that goes with it. My conflict used to look like cupboard door slamming and saying words that can’t be taken back. I acted like that in my first marriage and look how that ended. Feeling anger makes me extremely uncomfortable. So things stew and simmer until the anger reaches a boiling point. I just knew that in this newer relationship I would be mature by discussing things like a confident, calm adult with all the lessons learned from my divorce. Yet with so many moving parts in my life I was starting to doubt my dreams.
It all started with a tree. There’s a tree on our property I think should be cut down to have a better view of the lake. Match.com man vehemently disagrees. It’s an old beautiful oak right next to four other beautiful oaks so I gave in and told him fine, keep the tree! But it’s been simmering just below the surface and all the little annoyances that come with building a house and planning a wedding seemed bigger and harder to overcome. Then, the voices started. As I tried to avoid the voices of self-doubt and hoping it would go away but the voices got really loud! Telling me it was ALL HIS FAULT, wasn’t it! If he’d agree to cut down that damn tree, we’d be back on track, but noooooo, he believed it looked better with the tree standing just where it was. The voices whispered to me, see, this will never work, you better give it up, play it safe.
Then, one night when we talking on the phone, I suggested something and he disagreed. It was the last straw. It was either start yelling or stop talking, so I ended the call and steamed. What was I getting into, was this the right thing, maybe I was making a big mistake. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind I ranted silently to myself. Should I call him back and let him have it, after all it was ALL his fault, should I just stop the house and the wedding, should I take a break from the relationship. If only he would listen to me.
Then my aha moment stuck like lightening. Because I was so angry and stressed from other things, I doubted the direction I was headed. I was listening to those voices. I was beginning to repeat old patterns by complaining and blaming others, making it not my fault but theirs. I went to where I felt safest and was making everything someone else’s fault. When I started this relationship, I promised myself I would be honest with him and myself. But many life changes were taking their toll and I was letting self-doubt and blame speak louder than my promises and dreams.
I knew had to tell Match.com man what I was feeling, seeing and perceiving. We had the conversation and did talk calmly like grownups. By creating a safe place to share thoughts and feelings, I found he was feeling not listened to as well. We came to a compromise and the relationship felt stronger for it. Suddenly, the self-doubt voices were gone and the dream was bright again and back on track.
And, I told him he can keep that damn tree.
My Doubting a Dream wishes for you
You accept you have gifts beyond compare. Lead with your gifts, not your resentment. It will be amazing how healing it is. It opens the doors to letting wonderful dreams come true.
Know the greatest gift you can give someone is to just listen. Not offer advice, not tell them what to do, not to try to get something from them, but just to truly listen and travel their journey with them. This quiets their doubting voices and yours as well.
You see that when the louder your self-doubt and blame becomes you're able to look how close you are to having a dream come true. Keep moving forward and remember the negative voices get louder as you get closer to getting what you want.
You see that when you’re truly unhappy, you look first at yourself rather than pointing a blaming finger at someone else. I have found when I’m mad at someone for no real reason, there’s something bothering me about me and once that’s resolved the other issues magically melt away. The self-doubt quiets and the dream becomes within reach again.
You know how absolutely beautiful you are. Tell those ugly voices to shut the hell up! No matter what you weigh, if you have PMS, if you are suffering from the F3 virus (feeling FAT, FUGLY and FUNKY), if you can’t find the right job or if you are overwhelmed with life, know this a passing moment and you are truly, deeply and wonderfully bright and beautiful.
As always, with infinite love and gratitude,